Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can.”
Nicholas Sparks
I've had a week of extreme news. On the one hand I am grateful that I received the results of my PET scan and it is showing that there are no other cancer "hot spots" in my body, meaning that the one remaining, problematic tumour is indeed solitary and I assume that I am now eligible for surgery. This truly is remarkable news and quite unforeseen not so long ago. Sadly it is overshadowed by the fact that I was told by my mums doctor that she has weeks to live at best and he wanted to alert us to the fact that it could be days. This was very hard to hear and I am struggling to feel the motivation that I need to get through my own treatment. However I must. My mum would want me to remain strong and positive and she would want Olivia and I to be fine. I am continuing to spend a lot of time with my mum at the hospice but she is deteriorating daily and my strength and resolve is being tested more than ever before. My sister came home from Malta on Thursday and it was really difficult to watch her reaction to my mum's decline since she last saw her (just a few weeks ago). She was shocked by it and in a lot of pain and that brought everything even more into focus about this dire situation. The one blessing from all of it is, that it is nice for us to spend time together as a family (we don't that often) and all be there with one common purpose, which is to help our mum die in the best possible way. It is good to be reassured of our mutual love for Janet and to remember that she has been a great mum. Another positive aspect of this is that, just like with my own illness, I am able to see and appreciate the best in people and be reminded of the truly wonderful friends that I have. People have been brilliantly supportive and as well as help me, come to sit with my mum and help her in this awful time. This is what keeps me going. Death is an inevitable part of life but that doesn't take away the pain of it, however when I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning I think about the good things that I have. I have had 42 years of unconditional love from my brilliant mum, I have a daughter who is also struggling and who needs me more than ever and I have the continued love and support from many others in my life. I need to focus on this in these coming days.
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