Awareness

The 13th October is Secondary Breast Cancer Awareness Day, a day dedicated to spreading the word about the incurable side of the disease, the side where there are no survivors.



I returned from holiday yesterday and my mood has been ridiculously low ever since. In normal circumstances I suppose this would be attributed to the weather, however I don't live in normal circumstances I live with secondary and incurable breast cancer and my mood changes are somewhat complex.

Today is Secondary Breast Cancer Awareness Day. I have just read a really good article written by someone living with this and it made me emotional or should I say more emotional. She talks about the fact that there isn't that much awareness and people  focus on the success stories and for many breast cancer is the "curable" one. Not for us who are living with secondary breast cancer. It was an emotional roller coaster this past week. I was lucky enough to get the chance to spend a week in the sun during my chemo break, but I feel I have paid a high price for this. Firstly, reading the article about the NHS incompetence I have faced was a challenge. This article talked about the things I try not to think about. Namely dying. It talked about my daughter being left without a mum. While I hope that this article can act as a warning to other women who may face similar issues, it left me very unsettled and my usual optimism was depleted. I hope that it returns soon but for the moment I am struggling. Reading this article while I was away was made more difficult because I wasn't on my own territory. This is difficult to explain but it meant that I couldn't combat negativity through my usual means, which are varied but tend to work. The holiday also reminded me of how much the chemo interferes with simple things, just everyday things. It affects my joints and climbing the stairs to my hotel room was more difficult than it should have been. Having very little hair meant more thought had to go into sitting by the pool, i.e I had to be careful to protect my head. I don't know, maybe these sound like trivial things but they left me with a sense of dissatisfaction that I don't normally feel. I spent my week away with my best friend of 25 years and we laughed a lot. We had an alcohol free holiday with chocolate instead and we talked endless nonsense. It reminded me of our time together as teenagers living in Israel. It made me nostalgic and I guess that this has added to my sadness as it reminds me that my life will not take the path that I expected aged 18. Today I have felt more low than perhaps any other time in my cancer journey. I am working  hard to come through this and I am confident that I will. My low mood coincides with Secondary Breast Cancer Awareness Day and so perhaps all is as it should be for today because I am very aware of my secondary breast cancer.