Positivity

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it"


  Mary Engelbreit


Well I didn't have an appointment at chemo clinic today and it was strange. The thing that struck me was the freedom it offered. This freedom was much more than not having to attend the hospital. I realised that my weeks have been spent curtailed not only by physically being there for the day every Tuesday but actually by the days both leading up to the appointment and following it. It goes a bit like this; Tuesday night is steroid madness so not much sleep is to be had. On a Wednesday I am tired but still bizarrely wired. Thursday is not too bad and I manage to generally get on with things. Friday I am tired and often find myself in bed at 8 o'clock that evening. Saturday and Sunday I am pretty tired and again often in bed early. Monday I find I have more energy but then I am preparing for the next day which is chemo again. I only really thought about how limiting this pattern is today. Don't get me wrong this has been progressive. The chemo has an accumulative effect and as the weeks have worn on this pattern has become more the norm than in the beginning. From this point of view I realise that it is a real relief to have this 3 week break and I am also glad that I will attend every fortnight from now on. Having said all of this, I am grateful that the chemo is working and I will pretty much put up with anything to stay alive. And alive I am.

I wondered what to do with myself today. I chose to do all of the things which have been niggling me, administrative tasks. I managed to tick off the jobs on the list. The biggest thing that I completed today was my application for early retirement. Yes I have decided to take the on-going pension. I think I knew that this would be the ultimate decision. I am determined to survive after all. Still it was quite a difficult thing to do. No one expects to be retiring at 42. I have such a mixture of emotions regarding this. On the one hand I feel cheated and hard done by that my illness has meant that I am no longer fit to work. On the other hand I feel liberated and privileged to be in the position to not have to go to work. Financially there are of course implications, however these are not as far reaching as they could be, due to my diligence in money matters, but changes still have to be made. As with everything else in this predicament I have to take the positive from it. I have to embrace the changes that cancer has brought to my life. By taking an early pension based on ill health the condition is that I can never work again. I have no idea whether or not I will ever feel able to work again, there is a good chance that I will not. However it still feels odd to be in this situation. For all the stress and strain that many of our jobs bring, it is still an integral part of our life. It can give us a sense of who we are. We also have friends at work and basically it's where we are used to going 5 days a week. I have been off work for the best part of 2 years. I only returned last May to then be re-diagnosed in the August. On Friday last week it was exactly a year ago that I stopped work for the second time. I have to say that this year has been different from my first absence. Firstly I have been undergoing treatment in one way or another for this entire time. Secondly I have a different perspective. In my first lot of treatment I was very ill and this didn't help matters, however I also had a different mind set. I have mentioned before that I became pretty depressed after my first lot of treatment as the reality of my situation hit home. I felt isolated and lacked motivation. My second lot of treatment admittedly has left me with much more energy which is a massive help, but it is definitely more than that. Being told that I have incurable cancer has made me appreciate everything more. One of these things is the freedom of not working five days a week. I outlined 20 positive things about my life recently and I have to say that a lot of them were derivative of not going to work. Ultimately, I have no choice in all of this, I have cancer which needs to be treated with chemotherapy regularly in order to keep me alive. This is a fact. What I choose to do with this fact is entirely up to me. I can wallow in self pity and bitch about it or I can take the good from it. I miss certain things about my job but I can also realistically remember the many things not to miss. This is my healthy perspective today. We really don't know what life is going to throw at us but it is in our hands how to deal with it.