Letting go

Happiness can only exist in acceptance

George Orwell


I finally had my sit down meeting with staff at the Beatson, to talk through, in more depth what happened nearly 2 years ago to allow me to become a tragic "system error". I have already written about the fact that after my initial treatment ended for my primary cancer I fell off the radar. In the months that ensued my cancer returned (was it ever away?) and grew rapidly and sadly found its way into my lung. This is what I live with today. I wrote a letter of complaint about my lack of care and documented in this blog the response to it and the dissatisfaction that I felt. So yesterday, I got my chance to sit down face to face with the people who could offer me some answers as to why this happened.

I was actually prepared for this meeting to be frustrating, based on the letter that I received some months back. I went in to the meeting expecting to be fobbed of and given half truths and excuses. This didn't happen. Yesterday I sat in a room with 4 members of staff from the Beatson and was told in no uncertain terms that indeed as a direct result of me volunteering to take part in a research programme for post chemotherapy women and menopausal symptoms, I was never given the vital follow up appointment that could have (and I will never know) saved my life. The system in place didn't allow for appointments at the clinic to be differentiated between doctors appointment and other reasons for being there. It's that simple. As a result I was recorded, wrongly, as having been seen by a doctor when in fact I had not. Wow. I had every opportunity to question the system and with each question I asked the answers blew me away. The system was so open to mistakes it was frightening. The flaws were overwhelming, not least because this was a system which could result in someone losing their life if something should go wrong. I am that one. This has been recognised and they are sorry, I believe them. They have now, since my complaint, introduced a more rigorous system and for this I am truly grateful. Yesterday the people around the table in the conference room on the fourth floor recognised, accepted and duly apologised for what had happened to me. It was a very odd end to my mission. I had achieved what I had set out to do but I was still terminally ill. However, I have to view this with the positivity that it merits. The same thing wont happen to others, lessons have been learned it would seem. This is good and I have to take strength from it. I can finally put it to bed and move on as it has been hanging over me for too long. I can accept it. Acceptance allows me the energy I need to fight my disease and I will continue to fight it as far as I am concerned for a VERY long time yet.