The freedom of speech...

“People who keep stiff upper lips find that it's damn hard to smile.”   

Judith Guest


   I had chemo number 23 today (maybe 24 it's been a long haul). Over the last few days I have been in a fair bit of pain and my mind has reacted badly. Every small bone and most joints are aching badly and I have struggled to get out of bed. As a result I have allowed my mind to take me into dangerous territory. It would not be too much of a shock or surprise for the cancer I have in my lung to appear in my bones, it happens. Having the pain that I have, I find myself wondering if this is already the case and that my January scan will confirm such. I am a quivering wreck consequentially. What to do? I came clean to my nurse today about the extent of my pain. I tend to play down my side effects as I really don't want to be taken off this chemo, I'm not ready. However, I told her of my pains and she was unable to guarantee that I would not be told that I have cancer in my bones in January, she is a realist and I appreciate that. What she could do, though, was put things into perspective. She reminded me that the chemo that I am on attacks small bones and joints and that there was a very good chance that the pain that I was experiencing was indeed a result of this. So I spoke about my fears and it helped. This is my experience lately, talking about feelings and worries and essentially what you are afraid of, truthfully and uncompromisingly really does help. It helps everyone not just those with terminal cancer.

I also asked today about what was likely to happen in the longer term with this chemo, essentially when it would come to an end. She told me that this would happen when either the tumours learned how to fight against the drugs or when I simply couldn't be given any more, most probably due to my blood count just not being able to recover enough for the drug to be administered. At the moment my blood count is showing no signs of this and indeed this is unusual, who knows I may break a record. This was categorically not what I had in mind when I watched Roy Castle as a child, but hey them's the record breaks!

Through my difficult few days of projection and self diagnosis I have been busy as always combatting the negative through research. Again I have found some very interesting articles on new drugs for my type of cancer. These articles really keep me going as  I quoted before without hope the heart would surely break. Mine would so I hold on to hope as a way of coping and it does, most of the time, get me through my dark moments. Just as I can read that the average life expectancy for someone with my diagnosis is one year, I can equally read about breakthrough drugs and choose to believe in them.

On another note my eyebrows are looking fab. The girl who did them really is brilliant and I can't thank her enough, nor recommend her more highly. I really don't think that this little makeover is only good for those going through chemo. This, however leads me on to another problem. I realised yesterday when yet another nurse I met for the first time told me how good I looked, that I ultimately resent people saying this. I hear it all the time. Now, I have recognised that this is MY problem These people are doing nothing wrong. I have to deal with it. I suppose it kind of wears me down as I am not, most of the time, feeling particularly good. However I am also aware that these resentments tend to be active when my mood is low. I am basically feeding bad feelings and I don't want to do that. I have to keep my mind clean and healthy and most importantly positive. That way I can appreciate when people say what is, lets face it, a nice thing. I am working on it.

I have also made a start on a private blog. One for Olivia to read in a time that I try not to think about. It is a work in progress but I am glad that I am doing it. I think that it has the potential to help both now and in the future, both me and Olivia. No matter what we are dealing with in life we really have to let it out, it frees us and while none of it will change my diagnosis it can turn what some would say is a death sentence into a life sentence, that is the ability to live life properly and celebrate each day and share my feelings with others.