Honesty

“Don't be afraid of being scared. To be afraid is a sign of common sense. Only complete idiots are not afraid of anything.”

Carlos Ruiz Zafon      


I last posted that I am NED, it is a great piece of news and I truly appreciate it. However its a strange life with cancer and I am writing, honestly, tonight about how I truly feel. The truth is that I am very depressed. I have spent the weeks since my surgery in a black hole. I just can't get excited about life and it baffles me as much as anyone. I am thinking that a lot of it comes from the loss of my mum because I don't believe that I have fully dealt with that yet. Whenever I think about the night that she died I send it from my thoughts (not healthy). Since surgery I am actually lower than I was before it. It is pretty inexplicable but I think that I may have some answers to my feelings. I think that I have recognised the cold harsh reality of living with a disease that hovers over you on a daily basis. The problem is that you are very alone with it. In the beginning when you are going through your first chemo people are there and want to help. When its 3 years  down the line that fades and you're pretty much on your own. People have their own lives to lead and they quite simply disappear (not everyone I have a few special people). People don't see a physical difference in you and therefore choose to believe that you are "fine". The reality is that I'm not fine. I'm still as scared as I have always been. I'm still living with secondary cancer. I read the article this weekend about Lynda Bellingham choosing to stop her chemo and die and I cried because I am aware that this will be my situation one day. This won't be tomorrow but it will come and it's fucking hard. I try to find the good in my situation and the vast majority of the time I manage to, however I am not coping too well with the hand that I was dealt lately and I thought that it was important to share because this blog was started with the view to being truthful about life with cancer. It really isn't easy.