Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviours. Keep your behaviours positive because your behaviours become your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.
Ghandi
Cancer affects so many people when one person is diagnosed, in this respect I have both a battle and a full on war to fight. My battle is simply to keep on fighting to keep it from ending my life. My war, on the other hand is of course full scale. The war is to protect those I love from having their lives devastated. I am currently awaiting battle but fully waging the latter.
I have no real control over the actual cancer at this very moment, that will begin when I have met with the specialists, in the meantime I'm doing what I can to make life as normal and productive as possible both today and in the future. Its all about the practical right now. My biggest war casualty is and will be Olivia, the love of my life.
So, I am going to talk about my gratitude since the news on Tuesday. Firstly I am so glad that my mum doesn't have to be here to endure this because that would be too much. Secondly I am so grateful for the amazing people who always rally round me when the shit once again hits the fan. Many of these people have been in my life BECAUSE of the cancer and the way in which it forced me to shake up my life and change it and without the cancer I wouldn't have had the privilege to know them. And they remain and they enrich. I had drifted rather far these last few months and I had lost all of this good and having this news forced my hand and brought the good back. Cancer is my physical illness but my biggest danger is spiritual malady and while cancer has reared its ugly head for now, my spirit is in the best shape it has been since August. I know where I would rather be. My fighting, nurtured spiritual wellbeing will let me win the war if not the battle. It will let me today create good in the lives of those who may be left behind, those in the crossfire. I am putting so many practical things in place for the future because while I am sad I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am putting others before me and its a wonderful place to be.My brother and sister were very upset by the news and they too have only recently lost their mum. I want to help them as much as they want to help me, but here s the thing their power is limited over cancer but mine is not when it comes to helping them cope My oldest and dearest friend makes me want to cry with her kindness and love and friendship. She has moved in and we are taking our lives forward positively. We are moving to the new house in January and we are all genuinely excited, its not a contingency plan its just a plan that works for today and for any other day down the line, cancer or not. I am providing everyone, myself included with the best possible Lesley that I can be. If that means a Lesley who has physical health issues then that's fine. If I don't have my peace and inner belief in doing the right things then tumour free or not I am not healthy and I am spreading an illness far more potent than cancer. I have gone back to taking a moment in the morning to reassure myself before I start my day that "everything will be alright" I don't try to control what that will actually be nor do I have an agenda, that's living and that's winning the war.
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