I don't know how to die...

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment
Buddha


I only recently learned to live properly so here's the thing, I'm not ready for any new learning projects and I don't know how to die. Quite simple then I CANNOT.

Its been quite a couple of weeks. I haven't been feeling too well and I had a horrible feeling that it wasn't just a winter virus. SO what did I think? I thought, of course that the cancer had returned and sometimes it just sucks to be right. My head had become painful and wouldn't shift but fear kept me from addressing it full on. When I began to lose my motor skills I knew that I was in trouble. I was eventually unable to stand up and I was vomiting. The outlook was ominous. During this time I was devastated to learn that my beautiful friend and fellow cancer fighter had passed away. Carla was only 38 and she had fought her breast cancer for many years. Her passing has been a blow. We helped each other these last few years and I will miss her terribly. However I am also relived that she is no longer suffering. My symptoms were so bad that I couldn't even attend her funeral.

My condition continued to worsen and I had to make the necessary move to be admitted to hospital on Monday. Of course they did a brain scan and the rest is history. Yes this evil disease has found its way into my prized possession (I can cope with my boobs being overtaken but not my brain). I have multiple mets to my brain and they have most probably been there a while. The news was delivered somewhat badly and so thankfully I've had enough experience of such news that I didn't have a melt down (in fact me and my group of visitors were asked to keep the laughter down later that evening...that's my coping mechanism). So what NOW??I am hoping that they can blast the tumours with radiotherapy and then I will take it from there. I have through no choice been forced to practise living in the day.

Once I had a couple of hours to digest the news on Tuesday night a sudden realisation dawned. Since my mums death I have not been in a good place and i was falling into a depression I wasn't doing my stuff and had slowly stopped attending the places which keep me spiritually whole. I had lost a lot of me and it was noted. his horrible news has given me a much needed kick into shape. I told myself on Tuesday night that I AM alive so lets get back to living. I spent the night in my hospital bed finding positive information on my condition and believing that I could do this. It helped, my spirit came back. I am now ready to re enter the world because really I am no different from anyone else in the fact that all we truly have is the now so make the most of. SO I am home and the tree is up and Olivia is going to have a great Christmas. I'm excited to be spending the first Christmas in a while with my brother and sister and nieces and brother and sister in law. That's my focus and I will keep from my mind that I am due to move house in January. Definitely ONE DAY AT A TIME.


P.S

I have so many amazing people in my life Tracey Arneil you are my hero and Carla Burns it was a privilege to have you in my life I only wish it could have been for longer. And you all know who the rest of you are.