Hope, strength and happiness...

" For there is good news yet to hear and fine things to be seen, / Before we go to Paradise by way of Kensal Green.”
"How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win"


G K Chesterton


Today has been a truly wonderful day. Being given not only good but amazing news feels, well,amazing. Having been through a second scan during this chemo to look at how it was working I was trying very hard to focus on the fact that the first scan had been very positive and shown shrinkage. I was taking strength from this and being pragmatic. The evidence was that the chemo was effective and therefore surely this would continue to be the case. However, it is natural to also be prepared for a different outcome. After all my cancer had shown anomalies in the past so it was not out of the question for this scan to be less positive. In the main I didn't worry too much. I kept busy (my furniture has been moved around yet again, on a plus the house looks great) and tried to be optimistic but I knew that the days leading up to the results would test my endurance. By Saturday night I was restless. By the Sunday I found myself getting annoyed at the smallest things and by that night my sleep was disturbed. I decided at 2a.m, while unable to sleep that I had to practice my new found perspective. I made my decision that I would take control and make a phone call first thing in the morning. There was no guarantee of course that my results would be in but if not then it was truly out of my hands. I definitely have a new resolve as well as strength. I knew that I could cope with whatever the news may be. I rationalised that if the news was bad and that my tumours had grown or that there were now new tumours elsewhere, then I would spend my day dealing with this in order to go into my appointment with my consultant equipped to ask the right questions. Questions which would allow me to formulate a plan for the next steps. This is something that I couldn't have done not so long ago. I am not saying that I relished this prospect but I was able to take the necessary mental measures. Once I had dropped Olivia at school I came home and with a very nervous disposition I made the call to my nurse. She was with a patient and I was told that she would call me back. I knew that I wouldn't have to wait that long. The minutes which passed were difficult ones. I began to question whether or not I would have the ability to actually answer the phone, I literally felt nauseous with nerves. The dog and I sat in silence. When the phone rang I can proudly say that I picked up immediately. Vicki asked if I was sure that I wanted the results over the phone before she went into the system to check them. I did. It was an amazing moment when she told me that the tumours had shrunk further and that the scan was showing no signs of other tumours elsewhere. I could have cried and I found myself struggling to speak. She told me that this was truly a great result, I couldn't have agreed more. It felt so good to be able to pick up the phone to the people I love and share this news, especially my mum. The horrible thing about bad news is not only dealing with it yourself but also having to break it to people who care about you. I know that every time I tell my family and friends bad news that they are heartbroken as well. For a while I was sugar coating bad news to my mum as a way of protecting her, she has already been through what no mother should ever experience when we lost my brother 10 years ago this November. Of course it didn't work, she knew exactly what was going on. I looked forward to picking Olivia up from school and sharing this with her. As I have said before she is a strong girl and she copes well but it was still great to give her this information. She took the news with happiness but the great thing for me is that it was clear that she had not been consumed by the wait like me, I had been successful in protecting her from this trauma and so I had done something right. This is very important to me.

My consultant today told me that the tumours have now shrunk so much that measuring them could not be accurate. What a great piece of information to receive. We discussed my future treatment and it is decided that I shall continue on this chemo for an indefinite time every fortnight. My quality of life is good and the chemo is working therefore until that changes or the chemo stops working then this chemo will be part of my life. I welcome it. I have no illusions and my consultant has told me that the day will come that this chemo will no longer be effective due to my body being unable to tolerate it with side effects or the tumour learning to fight against the drug, however I am going to deal with that when it happens and not waste what time I have thinking ahead. I am delighted to say that I am going to take one beautiful, precious day at a time.