Living...

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

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It was confirmed today that I will remain on this chemo indefinitely. This, of course, is dependent upon a "committee" agreeing to this. Now it's not supposed to be about money, (yeah right) but the good news is that this chemo is relatively cheap so I'm hopeful, if not cynically so, that they will agree to my consultants recommendation. Oh and I'm sure that they will note that it is keeping me alive with very few harmful side effects.

I have a mixture of feelings about this decision. Firstly, I am happy and truly grateful that a chemo is doing the job and leaving me with a healthy quality of life. Apart from hair loss and some fatigue, I am living a full life. I walk the dog, I make the dinner, I meet friends for coffee and I'm feeling good most of the time. On the other hand, I had been looking forward to the end of my 18 week sessions. The 24th of September was earmarked. I suppose I was glad to be coming off a drug that is systematically wearing my bone marrow down. I was also told today that I have a delicate bone marrow anyway! Of course I do! I was also looking forward to looking normal again, I have now lost my eyebrows and most of my eyelashes. I do have some hair regrowth on my head but not much. However, it is a small price to pay to be alive. I am embracing my new philosophy of living in the day and taking it one day at  a time. I have therefore come up with a list of all of the good things in my life right now, I thought I would share them. Maybe I need to strengthen my own  belief. My goal is 20.

1.  As I no longer go to work I don't get up at stupid o'clock.
2.  When I do get up I enjoy my morning coffee free from mentally planning my inevitably stressful day.
3.  I walk the dog once I have dropped O at school. I love the dog walking life and have met some new friends. Autumn is coming and I love this season. I am looking forward to park walks in the leaves.
4. I get to plan my days the way that I want to apart from Tuesdays which is chemo clinic, but I enjoy my socialising there.
5. As I have the time, I enjoy dinner time more and actually get to sit down with my daughter and share the evening meal.
6. I have recently been in touch with several old friends. We have met for coffee and it has been lovely. I would never have done this had I still been living my old life.
7. I generally see much more of my friends as I am no longer slotting them in to the holiday periods.
8. Weekends are not spent recovering from the stressful week. They are spent doing the things that I want to do.
9. I read more.
10. My house is tidier (sometimes)
11. I speak to my mum more.
12. I have gone back to listening to music more regularly. I have a re kindled love for my ipod.
13. I plan on re reading some of my favourite books.
14. I have patience to do homework with O.
15. I get to go to O's school things, most recent being a Titanic showcase, it was good.
16. I go food shopping without resentment as I am not rushing to slot it into my working day, therefore saving money as I no longer just pick things up and throw them in the trolley.
17. I am looking into doing some courses that I have been talking about doing for years, and I mean YEARS.
18. I actually water my plants regularly.
19. I choose to do things which enhance my mood, I am proactive not reactive.
20. I write THIS.

That was so easy. I could go on, but I fear I may start to sound smug.