I'm not having a bad hair day

Feeling healthy and feeling good about yourself is not a luxury it's a necessity

Eleanor Roosevelt


I decided after my good news on Monday to follow my own advice from way back in the first chemo and ditch the head covering, in my case the scarves.

I have found it interesting as a genuinely interested person to examine the social norms that surround being a chemo patient, well that is more precisely being a female chemo patient. I am not going to start out with any lies. When I was first told back in August 2011 that I would need chemo and that I would definitely lose my hair very quickly, I cried. I cried in the doctors consultation room and I cried down the phone to anyone who would listen, glass of wine in hand. I am vain, I am a victim of our societies norms. Certain phrases spring to mind; a woman's crowning glory is her hair, being the main one. Now to qualify, I didn't have particularly great hair, it was thinner with age and pregnancy. It was a crappy texture, I honestly looked like Eddie Van Halen (Russell will happily testify to this) before I used the GHD's and yes I moaned about it really quite a lot. BUT it was hair for good or bad, it was hair. It was an alien concept to not have any ( to, em, moan about). These are natural first reactions in a society which increasingly values looks and beauty above all else. There are papers being written about how damaging this is at this very moment. People who challenge what is wrong in our society and in particular learned feminists, question constantly why women in particular still face a constant battle with being judged above all else on their physical attributes. I  read these articles and question as much as the next person and yet my tears had come quickly at the thought of hair loss. Yes I am a victim of society. However with the right attitude towards the reality of chemo and hair loss this could be less of a blow. This is a health issue first and foremost, this is potentially life saving and should at least escape from the crippling fear foisted upon us in normal, daily life of not looking "good enough".

 For this reason I find it amazing that one of the very first things that you are counselled in is your imminent hair loss. Prior to chemo you have a consultation to take you through the main aspects of what you are about to face. Hair loss is very near the top of the list. Your NHS wig voucher is doled out early on in the session. Now I get it, I do. Obviously it causes a great deal of stress for very many women. However, it's a funny thing because it's really a bit of a chicken and egg scenario. The higher the priority they make it the more important it becomes to the patient, or do they make it so because it ultimately is the patients priority? Who knows. Lets face it probably a bit of both. Anyway you look at it it's all a bit crap. It was only some time later that this would play on my mind. When you are told that your body was hours away from closing down and going into a septicaemic coma, the whole hair loss issue becomes quite meaningless. Indeed when your life becomes confined to a bed for 18 days out of 21 it is inconsequential. These were my experiences. Such experiences made me think more about this societal stigma of women and hair loss when chemo realistically has so much worse to offer. When I stopped chemo my hair came back extremely quickly and I stopped wearing a scarf. I will mention that I never wore my wig as this felt far more ludicrous to me than being bald. My experience at chemo clinics (and in general public places) was that most women just didn't look right with their wigs. For example many women who were considerably older had wigs on their heads which would be best suited to a teenage girl and even then wouldn't look that natural. The main reason of course is that NHS wig vouchers don't stretch to high end wigs which do look natural and good. This I found quite sad, these women were desperate to appear normal and yet the opposite was true. I had been house bound for most of my chemo and so didn't really encounter the day to day struggle with the annoying scarf ritual. Once I was up and about again I realised that it was a real bloody inconvenience and so, like I said, I stopped wearing it with just a little hair growth. I remember my daughter being slightly horrified by this. She was 8 at the time, so young and yet so entrenched in our societal stigmas. Outings were interesting and yes people did stare. The beauty was in the stares of the very young children. They didn't quickly look away. They are the innocent they look without embarrassment at what they find unusual. What, essentially is not their norm. This I truly didn't mind, and actually was amused by. I remember saying at the time that I felt that it was very wrong that women who were going through arguably one of the worst times of their lives were further compromised by this whole wig/scarf versus bald situation. In truth it was a very short window of time in which I chose to go bald. My hair was deemed socially acceptable in weeks, by that I mean people stopped staring. This whole thing resonated with me though and I said that it was a shame that this was how it was. I also said that should there, god forbid, ever be another chemo for me then I would address this issue from the start.

Well, as we all know I didn't' have to wait long to be put to the test. Hands up I failed. I lost my hair just over 10 weeks ago and have been wearing scarves since then. I have many, nice ones at that. I have a scarf to match most outfits. I am very clothes conscious. However it is all a bit of a pain. I don't like feeling forced to comply with this tradition. My real question is this, is it the case that part of the reason that women do buy into it, is because we want to save  others from embarrassment? It's true that people feel uncomfortable with it. I remember answering the door many times to strangers and them not knowing where to look. I felt strangely apologetic. Yes "I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable for my shit life right now" eh? I don't even remotely blame them. I blame society. Whilst we have stopped using strange euphemisms when referring to cancer, we still feel uncomfortable with bald women and in turn of course bald women feel uncomfortable with themselves. So yesterday I went out without doing the appropriate thing and covering my head. It felt very liberating. I was at chemo clinic and the nicest thing happened. An older lady who I have seen around approached me to say how happy she was to see me without a scarf and how this should encourage others to feel more confident. She was about to lose her hair for the fourth time and she only wished that she could do the same but she felt that she was too old( I was wondering if she had poor vision as I've got a few lines myself).  I told her that I didn't think that this was the case and maybe my words will encourage her to ditch the wig when the time comes. Who knows? All I know is that I am putting my money where my mouth is and welcoming the stares, as it is a statement. It's the old saying that by changing nothing, nothing changes.  I wholeheartedly disagree with the notion that women should be psychologically pushed into covering up. For women who truly want to do this then that's equally fine. But it should be about individual free choice. I may well don a scarf again, as sometimes they look quite nice and I get to relive the bandana 80's. However it will be my decision if and when to do so. Small steps and all that.