The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.
After my recovery from surgery I went back for another scan in March. Part of me ( a very small part of me) was wondering if there was any chance that these nodules could be benign. There had been no biopsy done and they had remained the same size during chemo whilst the breast tumour had grown! I know that many people close to me were wondering( and hoping for) the same thing. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with hope but preparation for reality not being what you wanted is equally important. I was fully prepared for such reality. I found out in April that my lung tumours had grown and that there were new ones. So it was time to talk more chemo. It was decided that I should go onto weekly doses of a chemo called paclitaxel. It was thought best to go for weekly doses as the doctor didn't think that my body would cope with larger doses every 3 weeks. So far so good. I have been very active and have felt really good in the last couple of months. My white blood count has not always recovered and I have missed a few but on the whole, if this is chemo then I can live with it. I am a bit bored with the head scarves but again I can deal with it.
I am almost half way through the 18 week regime and am now awaiting the mid way scan results. I had my scan 12 days ago and am most likely getting the results tomorrow. The best outcome will be shrinkage and the worst will be growth and spread. I would love to say that I am living the words of F Scott Fitzgerald and Buddha but it would be a lie. I am a wreck. For people who go through these scans it is probably the worst time of their lives. The rational side of the brain copes, the other bit is a minefield. In the last few days I have self diagnosed multiple tumours in all parts of my body and I have the pains to back it up. The mind is a powerful thing. I found out today that a woman I have become friends with at the chemo clinic and who has the same type of cancer as me, had a very positive scan result. Great news. It should give me strength and hope. In my rational mind it does. Janette is receiving the same drug as me for the same type of cancer and it is working. It may well be working for me. But today I am in not in possession of rational thought. Today I am crazy and lacking in intelligence. Today my head tells me that Janette got all the good news, there's only bad news left for me. This is the power of the mind and this is the reality of living with cancer. My next step on this journey is to find ways of coping with these days. They will be here again. I am starting a meditation class on Wednesday and I am intending to explore other avenues which could preserve my sanity (and energy) in the future. These are the things that are not explained to you when you are diagnosed. These are the things that we need the most help with. I will be sharing my findings and I am hopeful that there are measures that I can take which will help me and then, through this blog help others.
SO, just in case Janette didn't really get ALL the good news, keep your fingers crossed for me.
I have in the last couple of weeks outlined my 2 year journey with breast cancer. Obviously I have been fairly concise,(believe me there was a lot more I could have said) but I'm confident that readers have got the picture. It's not as straight forward and "curable" as recent media hype would have us believe. It's complex and dangerous and yes it kills. For these reasons women should be acutely aware of what they may be facing should they end up with this horrible illness. With this awareness they can "adjust the sails".
To come completely up to date this post will look at what's been happening in the last few months.
After my recovery from surgery I went back for another scan in March. Part of me ( a very small part of me) was wondering if there was any chance that these nodules could be benign. There had been no biopsy done and they had remained the same size during chemo whilst the breast tumour had grown! I know that many people close to me were wondering( and hoping for) the same thing. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with hope but preparation for reality not being what you wanted is equally important. I was fully prepared for such reality. I found out in April that my lung tumours had grown and that there were new ones. So it was time to talk more chemo. It was decided that I should go onto weekly doses of a chemo called paclitaxel. It was thought best to go for weekly doses as the doctor didn't think that my body would cope with larger doses every 3 weeks. So far so good. I have been very active and have felt really good in the last couple of months. My white blood count has not always recovered and I have missed a few but on the whole, if this is chemo then I can live with it. I am a bit bored with the head scarves but again I can deal with it.
I am almost half way through the 18 week regime and am now awaiting the mid way scan results. I had my scan 12 days ago and am most likely getting the results tomorrow. The best outcome will be shrinkage and the worst will be growth and spread. I would love to say that I am living the words of F Scott Fitzgerald and Buddha but it would be a lie. I am a wreck. For people who go through these scans it is probably the worst time of their lives. The rational side of the brain copes, the other bit is a minefield. In the last few days I have self diagnosed multiple tumours in all parts of my body and I have the pains to back it up. The mind is a powerful thing. I found out today that a woman I have become friends with at the chemo clinic and who has the same type of cancer as me, had a very positive scan result. Great news. It should give me strength and hope. In my rational mind it does. Janette is receiving the same drug as me for the same type of cancer and it is working. It may well be working for me. But today I am in not in possession of rational thought. Today I am crazy and lacking in intelligence. Today my head tells me that Janette got all the good news, there's only bad news left for me. This is the power of the mind and this is the reality of living with cancer. My next step on this journey is to find ways of coping with these days. They will be here again. I am starting a meditation class on Wednesday and I am intending to explore other avenues which could preserve my sanity (and energy) in the future. These are the things that are not explained to you when you are diagnosed. These are the things that we need the most help with. I will be sharing my findings and I am hopeful that there are measures that I can take which will help me and then, through this blog help others.
SO, just in case Janette didn't really get ALL the good news, keep your fingers crossed for me.
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