"Try and fail, but don't fail to try"
Stephen Kaggwa
.I haven't written for a while and the reason is basically that I haven't been feeling as positive as I would like. My mood has been low and I am filled with fear as I approach my next scan. That day is tomorrow and I will probably have my results by the end of the week. I am, in all honesty, terrified of what it will show. On a good day I think of a positive outcome and brace myself for a less than positive one with the attitude that I will just go on to a new chemotherapy and that will be that. On a bad day I can barely get out of bed and I want to hide away from the reality of my world. I think that for most of us the thought or idea of waiting to be given news concerning cancer and a possibly bad prognosis is high up there on the list of the events that we don't want to experience. When we see it on tv or in a film its a kind of uncomfortable moment of hoping we are never placed in that position. That's my experience anyway. So it's no surprise that I am struggling psychologically with going through this for the eighth time. I'm exhausted, mentally and emotionally. Last week I couldn't see the point to living like this. I think I said to my counsellor I can't go on waiting to be told I'm going to die. That was truly how I felt. Having been in a very dark place lately, which culminated in me voicing thoughts on ending my own life, I had to take action. I cant live with cancer without hope, I simply can't. I have, therefore reinvested myself in finding hope. I have been doing a lot of research for months on my type of cancer and I have found several routes to be examined. One of particular interest to me is a drug called Low Dose Naltrexone. I read about this in relation to my specific type of cancer in a medical journal a while back. On closer inspection of an abundance of data, I found that this drug has been used off license to treat all types of cancer. It has very strong anecdotal evidence to support its use but has never been clinically tried for cancer, as some would argue there is no financial gain for the pharmaceutical companies (the drug has long since been patented). It has also been successfully used to treat other conditions including MS and HIV. My GP has agreed to prescribe it for me (its also cheap) and I will start it this week. I am not putting all of my eggs in one basket with this drug and I shall continue to follow the advice of my oncologist and no doubt continue with chemotherapy, however I am making a leap of faith and giving something else a go. I am essentially refusing to give up on myself. I have started this blog with a view to sharing with others the idea that they should not rely solely on the NHS, we all have to be vigilant of our own health care. It's up to me to live by this as much as I possibly can, its my duty to take action. I start my new drug tomorrow, I'm hopeful and I will update accordingly.
