“Don't be afraid of being scared. To be afraid is a sign of common sense. Only complete idiots are not afraid of anything.”
Carlos Ruiz Zafon
I last posted that I am NED, it is a great piece of news and I truly appreciate it. However its a strange life with cancer and I am writing, honestly, tonight about how I truly feel. The truth is that I am very depressed. I have spent the weeks since my surgery in a black hole. I just can't get excited about life and it baffles me as much as anyone. I am thinking that a lot of it comes from the loss of my mum because I don't believe that I have fully dealt with that yet. Whenever I think about the night that she died I send it from my thoughts (not healthy). Since surgery I am actually lower than I was before it. It is pretty inexplicable but I think that I may have some answers to my feelings. I think that I have recognised the cold harsh reality of living with a disease that hovers over you on a daily basis. The problem is that you are very alone with it. In the beginning when you are going through your first chemo people are there and want to help. When its 3 years down the line that fades and you're pretty much on your own. People have their own lives to lead and they quite simply disappear (not everyone I have a few special people). People don't see a physical difference in you and therefore choose to believe that you are "fine". The reality is that I'm not fine. I'm still as scared as I have always been. I'm still living with secondary cancer. I read the article this weekend about Lynda Bellingham choosing to stop her chemo and die and I cried because I am aware that this will be my situation one day. This won't be tomorrow but it will come and it's fucking hard. I try to find the good in my situation and the vast majority of the time I manage to, however I am not coping too well with the hand that I was dealt lately and I thought that it was important to share because this blog was started with the view to being truthful about life with cancer. It really isn't easy.
Monday 29 September 2014
Wednesday 10 September 2014
Keeping it simple...
There is no greatness where there is not simplicity
Tolstoy
Very few people in Scotland like the idea of the term NED being used to describe them. I am not one of them. In the cancer world the term means No Evidence of Disease. This is my status today. Having had successful lung surgery the last evident piece of cancer was removed from my body. How amazing. 3 weeks ago today Mr Kirk (surgeon extraordinaire) spent a couple of hours checking out my insides and managed to take out the only piece of cancer he could find. I got my pathology report of this cancer yesterday and as expected it was the same pathology as was removed during my second breast surgery. The great news was that there were clear margins, which simply means that the tissue surrounding the tumour had no traces of cancer in it. So what does all of this mean? A good question and one with no clear answer. Am I cured? NO. Am I free of chemo? NO. Will I be free to go on and live a completely normal life? NO. All sounds a bit negative doesn't it.? NO. Not to me. 2 years ago I could not have imagined being told I was NED. For these 2 years I have become very accustomed to my very altered life, a life which requires a lot of effort in order to hang on to it. However, here's the thing, when diagnosed with incurable cancer all that matters is that you stay alive, and you really don't mind the how of it. If it means having intravenous chemo every week, having no hair and just as little energy then its ok, you are alive. For the moment as I am NED, this will not be my experience, however, the most difficult part of it all will remain with me for life. That is, the not knowing and of course the 12 weekly scans. So while I will not go to chemo clinic in the next months I will go for scans. For so many weeks every year I will be filled with fear. Fear that my scan shows the return of the cancer. It will not be a surprise to anyone if that turns out to be the case down the line. Therefore it is imperative that I continue to foster the "living in the day" philosophy. Truly live life one day at a time. As I have said before it is a strategy that would benefit anyone in this world regardless of their health status but for me it is essential. Living with secondary cancer really encourages you to make the most of life. There wont be a day for me when I am given the "all clear" my life will simply be NED or ED. For the moment its the former and I couldn't be happier and more grateful. So in the spirit of this I am going out to enjoy the beautiful late summer sun, like my good health, who knows how long it will last so best enjoy it while I can, simple really.
Tolstoy
Very few people in Scotland like the idea of the term NED being used to describe them. I am not one of them. In the cancer world the term means No Evidence of Disease. This is my status today. Having had successful lung surgery the last evident piece of cancer was removed from my body. How amazing. 3 weeks ago today Mr Kirk (surgeon extraordinaire) spent a couple of hours checking out my insides and managed to take out the only piece of cancer he could find. I got my pathology report of this cancer yesterday and as expected it was the same pathology as was removed during my second breast surgery. The great news was that there were clear margins, which simply means that the tissue surrounding the tumour had no traces of cancer in it. So what does all of this mean? A good question and one with no clear answer. Am I cured? NO. Am I free of chemo? NO. Will I be free to go on and live a completely normal life? NO. All sounds a bit negative doesn't it.? NO. Not to me. 2 years ago I could not have imagined being told I was NED. For these 2 years I have become very accustomed to my very altered life, a life which requires a lot of effort in order to hang on to it. However, here's the thing, when diagnosed with incurable cancer all that matters is that you stay alive, and you really don't mind the how of it. If it means having intravenous chemo every week, having no hair and just as little energy then its ok, you are alive. For the moment as I am NED, this will not be my experience, however, the most difficult part of it all will remain with me for life. That is, the not knowing and of course the 12 weekly scans. So while I will not go to chemo clinic in the next months I will go for scans. For so many weeks every year I will be filled with fear. Fear that my scan shows the return of the cancer. It will not be a surprise to anyone if that turns out to be the case down the line. Therefore it is imperative that I continue to foster the "living in the day" philosophy. Truly live life one day at a time. As I have said before it is a strategy that would benefit anyone in this world regardless of their health status but for me it is essential. Living with secondary cancer really encourages you to make the most of life. There wont be a day for me when I am given the "all clear" my life will simply be NED or ED. For the moment its the former and I couldn't be happier and more grateful. So in the spirit of this I am going out to enjoy the beautiful late summer sun, like my good health, who knows how long it will last so best enjoy it while I can, simple really.
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