"God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers"
Rudyard Kipling
I haven't written here for a while and so much has happened in that time. I have actually felt too scared to put down my feelings, scared that by putting them in writing that I will be too overcome by my emotions. However, several things happened today that I believe to be signs that I need to get better again ( my spirit has been bereft for a while) and I couldn't ignore them. I have come in touch with a lot of people today who have put me back on the right path, the final happenance was bumping into a wonderful person who I reconnected with through this blog way back when I first started writing it and who I had communicated with online. I actually came face to face with her tonight by chance and had a long chat and I realised that it was time to get back on track. Thank you Paula.
The main reason for my emotions being so fraught is that after coming home from my holiday to Malta I learned that my mum is dying of cancer. There I said it. My lovely, brilliant mum is not going to be with me for as long as I wanted. I am devastated, I am hurting so much more than when I had my own diagnosis. I am hurting in a way that I never have before, because the truth is you only have and only get one mum and she is going to be gone soon. The fact of the matter is, that my mum is actually ok with it all, and she feels that things are finally happening in the right order; she will go before me. She is right of course and silently for the last year I have prayed that this would happen and that she would not have to watch me die, she has already lost one child and I have been only too aware of the devastation that my death would have upon her. Sadly it doesn't make it any easier and I definitely wasn't prepared for how much pain I would feel at this. However I realise now that I have to face it with the same attitude that I face my own situation I have to accept it for what it is...death is a part of life and it has to be faced with courage and dignity and absolutely most importantly with acceptance. Acceptance brings peace and allows us to celebrate what life is and ultimately allows us to let go and treasure the good. I am spending time with my mum just now crying, laughing and accepting. Yesterday we sat in the family room of the hospice and we reminisced and of course this brought back funny stories to us along with the sad ones, stories which are quite simply our history and the history of my family that I will pass to Olivia as I was passed stories of my mums life. It is what it is and painful as it may be I have to accept it and somehow find the good and the right in it. I will do my very best.
