Trust

I have had most probably the worst few weeks of my life. This is the first time in a while that I have felt even close to normal and the fact that I can even use my vision to type feels good. Basically I was put on to such a ridiculous dose of steroids to reduce my initial symptoms that my whole body went into shutdown. In the first instance I did not question this and I should have. This is my message tonight.A t the beginning of December I blindly allowed myself to be sent home on a dangerous dose of deadly drugs...because I was terrified of dying quicker than I was ready for. The steroids quickly changed everything about me and I knew in my heart that it wasn't right. Over these last weeks I have had to speak up and truly fucking fight to be heard (not easy when pretty much catatonic). I told the doctors that I believed that the steroids were the main harm to me and that I just simply would not take the dosage anymore and lo and behold I have been taken from 16mg per day down to 2. The difference I cannot explain, yes brain radiotherapy is leaving me with horrible head pains BUT I don't have literally dozens of other side effects which in all honestly had taken away every fibre of ME! That includes my personality. So tonight I feel well enough through my choices to continue to send the message that we must know our own bodies and not just be passive recipients of a truly vile drug cures all culture. TRUST your own instincts.

A quick note...

I am going to write a short one. My health is poor so I will say what I can. I am due to start radiotherapy on xmas eve and I have been prepared for the fact that it may not work, there is a good chance the end is quite close. This is ok and I have acceptance. Im in a great place as I am both ready to live and at peace with the alternative. The steroids have reduced some of my symptoms but the actual cancer cells are playing havoc with me and my quality of life is at rock bottom. I have great people around me and my household is peaceful that's all I need right now. Christmas is inconvenient but I smile as I write my will on Tuesday night as people are out stressing over stocking fillers, such perspective to be gained. I want to thank everyone for their kind wishes and genuinely mean it when I say don't be sad.  one day at a time.

Winning the war...

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviours. Keep your behaviours positive because your behaviours become your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

Ghandi



Cancer affects so many people when one person is diagnosed, in this respect I have both a battle and a full on war to fight. My battle is simply to keep on fighting to keep it from ending my life. My war, on the other hand is of course full scale. The war is to protect those I love from having their lives devastated. I am currently awaiting battle but fully waging the latter.

I have no real control over the actual cancer at this very moment, that will begin when I have met with the specialists, in the meantime I'm doing what I can to make life as normal and productive as possible both today and in the future. Its all about the practical right now. My biggest war casualty is and will be Olivia, the love of my life.

So, I am going to talk about my gratitude since the news on Tuesday. Firstly I am so glad that my mum doesn't have to be here to endure this because that would be too much. Secondly I am so grateful for the amazing people who always rally round me when the shit once again hits the fan. Many of these people have been in my life BECAUSE of the cancer and the way in which it forced me to shake up my life and change it and without the cancer I wouldn't have had the privilege to know them. And they remain and they enrich. I had drifted rather far these last few months and I had lost all of this good and having this news forced my hand and brought the good back. Cancer is my physical illness but my biggest danger is spiritual malady and while cancer has reared its ugly head for now, my spirit is in the best shape it has been since August. I know where I would rather be. My fighting, nurtured spiritual wellbeing will let me win the war if not the battle. It will let me today create good in the lives of those who may be left behind, those in the crossfire. I am putting so many practical things in place for the future because while I am sad I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am putting others before me and its a wonderful place to be.My brother and sister were very upset by the news and they too have only recently lost their mum. I want to help them as much as they want to help me, but here s the thing their power is limited over cancer but mine is not when it comes to helping them cope My oldest and dearest friend makes me want to cry with her kindness and love and friendship. She has moved in and we are taking our lives forward positively. We are moving to the new house in January and we are all genuinely excited, its not a contingency plan its just a plan that works for today and for any other day down the line, cancer or not. I am providing everyone, myself included with the best possible Lesley that I can be. If that means a Lesley who has physical health issues then that's fine. If I don't have my peace and inner belief in doing the right things then tumour free or not I am not healthy and I am spreading an illness far more potent than cancer. I have gone back to taking a moment in the morning to reassure myself before I start my day that "everything will be alright" I don't try to control what that will actually be nor do I have an agenda, that's living and that's winning the war.

I don't know how to die...

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment
Buddha


I only recently learned to live properly so here's the thing, I'm not ready for any new learning projects and I don't know how to die. Quite simple then I CANNOT.

Its been quite a couple of weeks. I haven't been feeling too well and I had a horrible feeling that it wasn't just a winter virus. SO what did I think? I thought, of course that the cancer had returned and sometimes it just sucks to be right. My head had become painful and wouldn't shift but fear kept me from addressing it full on. When I began to lose my motor skills I knew that I was in trouble. I was eventually unable to stand up and I was vomiting. The outlook was ominous. During this time I was devastated to learn that my beautiful friend and fellow cancer fighter had passed away. Carla was only 38 and she had fought her breast cancer for many years. Her passing has been a blow. We helped each other these last few years and I will miss her terribly. However I am also relived that she is no longer suffering. My symptoms were so bad that I couldn't even attend her funeral.

My condition continued to worsen and I had to make the necessary move to be admitted to hospital on Monday. Of course they did a brain scan and the rest is history. Yes this evil disease has found its way into my prized possession (I can cope with my boobs being overtaken but not my brain). I have multiple mets to my brain and they have most probably been there a while. The news was delivered somewhat badly and so thankfully I've had enough experience of such news that I didn't have a melt down (in fact me and my group of visitors were asked to keep the laughter down later that evening...that's my coping mechanism). So what NOW??I am hoping that they can blast the tumours with radiotherapy and then I will take it from there. I have through no choice been forced to practise living in the day.

Once I had a couple of hours to digest the news on Tuesday night a sudden realisation dawned. Since my mums death I have not been in a good place and i was falling into a depression I wasn't doing my stuff and had slowly stopped attending the places which keep me spiritually whole. I had lost a lot of me and it was noted. his horrible news has given me a much needed kick into shape. I told myself on Tuesday night that I AM alive so lets get back to living. I spent the night in my hospital bed finding positive information on my condition and believing that I could do this. It helped, my spirit came back. I am now ready to re enter the world because really I am no different from anyone else in the fact that all we truly have is the now so make the most of. SO I am home and the tree is up and Olivia is going to have a great Christmas. I'm excited to be spending the first Christmas in a while with my brother and sister and nieces and brother and sister in law. That's my focus and I will keep from my mind that I am due to move house in January. Definitely ONE DAY AT A TIME.


P.S

I have so many amazing people in my life Tracey Arneil you are my hero and Carla Burns it was a privilege to have you in my life I only wish it could have been for longer. And you all know who the rest of you are.