The naked truth

 The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

So today people are showing their support for breast cancer by posting photos of themselves free from make up, naked and exposed, very appropriate as its exactly what being diagnosed with this disease feels like. On the positive side of that though, there is a certain liberation in such exposure. My breast cancer has made me look at who I am and I have faced up to a lifetime of insecurities and fears. Fear is what keeps us from happiness, it stunts us and blocks our emotional well being and balance. A good friend of mine quoted a wonderful AA saying FEAR can stand for Fuck Everything And Run or it can mean Face Everything And Recover. I am happy to report that I'm trying very hard to live in the second camp. In a strange way being diagnosed with secondary cancer allows you to do this. Maybe it's because you've already faced the thing that was always the biggest one. I read recently that the most feared word in the English language is cancer, not death but cancer. Not that surprising really. So perhaps when this has been faced down the rest becomes small stuff. This amongst other things has opened up the door for me to face up to the multitude of other fears that we all live with on a daily basis and this has changed my life and enriched the lives of those around me. It was facing fear that got me to the Jubilee hospital yesterday without concern. I was seeing the thoracic surgeon about my future in terms of surgery. I didn't have a sleepless night on Monday and I didn't let my mind race or project I simply went to my meeting with an open mind. This meant being prepared for him to tell me that he couldn't operate, that my condition was hopeless in this respect. He didn't. He was an amazingly open and straight talking doctor and I instantly liked him, and felt very comfortable with the thought of his hand at some point poking around in my lung! The upshot of the meeting is that he is willing to perform surgery to remove my tumours at some point but at the moment he feels that my disease is so "low level" that he would rather wait until further down the line. As I am only 14 months away from my surgery to eradicate my primary tumour it would be naïve to conclude that there is no disease elsewhere on the lung, it is too early for that. However that also doesn't mean that there is. So I am going to continue with my current chemo and keep being scanned regularly. I will meet with him again and we will review the situation. It's good, it gives me hope and we all know what happens when we don't have hope. It was also uplifting to be sat with a doctor telling me that my disease was low level, those were definitely words I liked hearing. I couldn't help but think that should my LDN work then the whole thing may only ever be theoretical. Let's hope so. All I do know for sure is that I continue to be optimistic, positive and most importantly I am happy today to face my fears, god knows I've had lots of practice

Sunny disposition...

Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her: but once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.


Voltaire


I'm feeling good today, the sun is shining. I love summer and today fills me with hope that it is imminent. I haven't blogged for a while, not for any particular reason, just not that much to say I suppose. I'm still on my chemo and yesterday I had number 29. It's nothing short of remarkable in my opinion. From being told that I most probably wouldn't cope well with the 18 weekly cycle to this, we are truly individual. I also have an appointment next week to see the thoracic surgeon. It's 18 months since my secondary diagnosis and I still have no new disease, this is such good news and I am keeping an open mind to what my future holds. I try not too get too excited as I don't want to get too disappointed but on a sunny day like today I feel pleasantly optimistic. I am also continuing to take my LDN and just my faith in that keeps me feeling brighter each day, time will tell if this faith is merited, in the meantime it can do me no harm. I've actually been thinking a lot about taking responsibility for my own treatment and find it hard to understand why more people don't. I met a woman recently who has a similar diagnosis to myself. Her disease is under control just now but we were chatting about how uncertain life is living with secondary cancer. I told her about the LDN with great enthusiasm and was certain that she would be as excited as me by this potential wonder drug. The reality was that she wasn't. She listened to me and I insisted on writing things down for her but I was left with a certain knowing that she most likely wouldn't follow up. Each to their own, that is indisputable but it does make me wonder. When you're told that you will die from your cancer why not try everything, that's my philosophy anyway and it helps me in lots of ways. It is empowerment I guess and that means a lot to me. I refuse to be passive in anything in my life and I will not give up fighting this disease. I would also take this opportunity to ask anyone who reads this to look into LDN as it really does have amazing properties for all sorts of illnesses particularly auto immune conditions. Anyway, today is a good day and I am very conscious of being thankful for the life that I have and indeed the determination that I have to keep it.