A new era...

It won't leap past us
The incredible is approaching from over there
It won't leap past us
We won't be left in a dark vale
To watch it go

 The incredible is approaching from over there

 This time
It won't leap past us
Won't be left no
It won't leap past us

This time

A woman transformed into twinkling stars, headlines, headlines
No going home tonight, no going home tonight
The wrath of angels
 

 

David Gray The Incredible

 

 

The incredible did not leap past us and we laid my mum to rest on Wednesday morning. She is now indeed twinkling stars.

 

It has been the hardest two weeks of my life and yet as always through the heartache, joy and miracles have shone through. The day after my mum died I was telephoned by my surgeon and told that he was willing to do my surgery and that I will be operated on this coming week, the 20th of August. 2 days after my birthday and 2 weeks after my mum's death. What a month August has been. It will be one to remember and will always hold very special memories. I am in awe of what life can offer. It is approaching the 2nd anniversary of my terminal diagnosis and no one could have imagined that today I would be preparing to have the only remaining evident piece of cancer removed from my body. I truly am grateful. In some respects its seems so so sad that it comes at this time when my mum isn't here to see it. However, I have to believe that she knows exactly what is going on and that she is smiling upon it all. She found her own peace, safe in the knowledge that I had learned to live a different kind of life, not in spite of, but because of my cancer (she was an avid follower of this blog and it hurts to know that she wont be reading it any more and telling me what she thinks) and that it helped me grow as a person. Without my diagnosis I would not be the person that I am today and now there seems to be hope on the horizon for me. I am so lucky to be, in the truest sense, given a second chance. I am determined to make it worthwhile.

Peace

No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother’s love. It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star.


Edwin Hubbell Chapin


My amazing, wonderful mum passed away last night. I am grateful to be able to say that it all happened in the right way. I knew in my heart that the 6th of August would be her last day and so I arranged to sleep over at the hospice. It was with a heavy heart that I packed my bag to go last night, but somehow I really did know. My sister and I spoke earlier in the day and she said that she felt it wasn't what she wanted, to be there when she passed. That was fine because it was something that I needed so no compromise was required. Anyway things have a funny way of working out and Diane felt a need to come down last night. Miraculous because after I spent time alone with my mum telling her that I accepted it all and that I loved her, Diane and George arrived whilst I was making a phone call and she also got time alone with Janet to speak. I returned to the room, we were both there and she passed away so peacefully. I broke down of course but then I found an inexplicable strength to sit with her and tell her I would do my best to move forward. I drove home with the CD my mum bought for me a few months ago full blast and I cried and I laughed and I toasted my lovely mum. I am truly heartbroken but as the song says I will survive. May you find peace mum. You truly deserve it. Thank you for being you.

Determination to find acceptance...

Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can.”  

Nicholas Sparks

I've had a week of extreme news. On the one hand I am grateful that I received the results of my PET scan and it is showing that there are no other cancer "hot spots" in my body, meaning that the one remaining, problematic tumour is indeed solitary and I assume that I am now eligible for surgery. This truly is remarkable news and quite unforeseen not so long ago. Sadly it is overshadowed by the fact that I was told by my mums doctor that she has weeks to live at best and he wanted to alert us to the fact that it could be days. This was very hard to hear and I am struggling to feel the motivation that I need to get through my own treatment. However I must. My mum would want me to remain strong and positive and she would want Olivia and I to be fine. I am continuing to spend a lot of time with my mum at the hospice but she is deteriorating daily and my strength and resolve is being tested more than ever before. My sister came home from Malta on Thursday and it was really difficult to watch her reaction to my mum's decline since she last saw her (just a few weeks ago). She was shocked by it and in a lot of pain and that brought everything even more into focus about this dire situation. The one blessing from all of it is, that it is nice for us to spend time together as a family (we don't that often) and all be there with one common purpose, which is to help our mum die in the best possible way. It is good to be reassured of our mutual love for Janet and to remember that she has been a great mum. Another positive aspect of this is that, just like with my own illness, I am able to see and appreciate the best in people and be reminded of the truly wonderful friends that I have. People have been brilliantly supportive and as well as help me, come to sit with my mum and help her in this awful time. This is what keeps me going. Death is an inevitable part of life but that doesn't take away the pain of it, however when I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning I think about the good things that I have. I have had 42 years of unconditional love from my brilliant mum, I have a daughter who is also struggling and who needs me more than ever and I have the continued love and support from many others in my life. I need to focus on this in these coming days.