Simply sharing...

So my simple story was published today and reinforced the beauty of sharing. There were many reads and lets face it this can only be a good thing. Unlike reading the article about me last year, I was in no way upset, indeed the opposite, I was uplifted.

I wanted to share something that I have been thinking about all morning and excuse that it is rather random. When I was diagnosed initially with the brain mets, everytime I looked at a painting I have

I cant help but think that the dark splodges are my tumours and the rest are all the fun I had. Now maybe too much fun admittedly but I kind of like this idea.

Oh dear I think I may be going mad. But its good.

Unexpected news...

The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations.

 Eli Khamorov

Well I met with my consultant this morning and it was not as I had predicted. I had gone in to discuss me not having the scan, when I put this to her I obviously asked was it the case that radiotherapy had been my final option. The answer was no!. There are in fact a couple of chemotherapies for brain tumours. My Consultant was very honest about the limitations of these. Firstly there is no guarantee they would work. Secondly statistically (remember how much attention I pay to these) chemo would prolong my life by months not years. So interesting stuff.

The down side of course is that chemo is no easy option when you are at your most healthy. My health is far from what it was a few months ago. Therefore I would really have to consider the risks of how ill I could become. I am pragmatic, I would very carefully consider the greater good of my quality of life ( I know now that quality far outweighs quantity). I will keep in mind how harsh my first chemo was and how I vowed I would never go through the same again.

Anyway Tracey and I spent the day between clinic, lunch and picking up prescriptions laughing from the heart. I am in a good place this evening and hoping for a good nights sleep.

Juggling...

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it

Aristotle

I can't sleep tonight. I had Reiki, I had a bath and I took a sleeping tablet. All of this has been working but not tonight. I suspect it is due to 2 things. Number one; I took 4 mg instead of the usual 2 mg of steroid today. I did this thinking that I was managing my condition. I was really not too great this morning as I felt so tired and I was going out with a friend. My GP had told me that I could take anywhere between 2 and 6 mg and I thought it was the right thing. Ok re evaluation time. 2 mg from now on.

The second reason is that I have had a headache most of the day and yes I am worried! I still have not moved into my house and am weeks away from the work being completed and I am scared that my health declines as rapidly as it did in November. I really want quality time in my new home with Olivia and Tracey. I am filled with fear and I must somehow overcome it.

This brings me to my next point. I have my scan looming in a few weeks. I am meeting with my consultant tomorrow morning and I have decided to present to her my thinking around it honestly. Which is that I don't intend to have the scan. Reasoning; if it is good news then there is still no clear outline as to how long they remain shrunk, my consultants words in December were thus: "How long is a piece of string?". Secondly; if it is bad news then what is the point in knowing? They have no solution so why offer me a problem? I only do solutions in my cancer journey in order to stay positive. In my opinion its a no win situation. I will know when things are declining I already have the experience. I Don't want the pitying doctor consultation and then the psychosomatic symptoms which follow. So I will have a full and frank discussion with my consultant tomorrow. In the meantime I must stop my mind from going where it doesn't belong. There is a great expression, when it comes to going into your own mind "it is like a bad neighbourhood, don't go alone and don't stay too long". Ha ha, I'm off to the burbs for a while.

the power of sleep...

An easy life is rarely meaningful and a meaningful life rarely easy.”   

Oliver North  



After another raiki session on Friday and some reflexology from the wonderfully talented Gail Fulton, my body has normalised further. I mainly put this down to sleep. I had 8 wonderful uninterrupted hours last night! The result? I have a new lease of life. What does this mean? It means that today when my good friend came to visit I was open to taking action. Open to doing my bit to prolong my life.

As I have already said I am prepared for the worst but I simply wouldn't be doing myself justice to do absolutely nothing for my condition. So Jude was filling me in on an article in the Telegraph this weekend about a young girl who restored her very poor health by overhauling her diet. She essentially went on to a plant based diet. Now I actually have experience of this as after my lung diagnosis my husband Russell and I went micro biotic and then vegan. I wont lie it wasn't easy and I loathed it. I would go so far as to say it contributed to the break down in our marriage (but wasn't the defining factor I'm sure Russ would agree). I resented going to the supermarket and being able to shop in 2 aisles whilst watching all of these other people pile crap into their basket, food which I wouldn't eat at anytime and yet they didn't have bloody cancer. I was angry at my diagnosis and with hindsight it was too early to be so radical. I needed time to adjust. Anyway I slowly but surely slipped away from the diet ( I must mention Russell has maintained it and feels a massive benefit). However I didn't at any point stop believing in the power of it. If interested in yet again, prevention rather than cure, a study called "The China Study" is well worth a read.

So here is what I have decided to do. I am going to empower myself in every way and give this diet a go. This girl has a recipe book and you can google "Delicious Ella" for downloads. I have done what I don't do well and I have requested via facebook that people, should they wish, cook me a dish which I can freeze ( I cant cook the basics in my current state). It is very similar to the Budwig diet and essentially this was something that I was planning on exploring anyway. You see for brain tumours outwith radiotherapy and I have had all of that is possible, the only other hope is really diet. I am willing to stand up to this. Why the hell not.

Weary...

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.

 

Helen Keller

As a lady of leisure at the hotel I have rather a lot of time on my hands so I have been reading through some of my old blogs. How weird, to travel through all of my different emotions from week to week. Overall though they strengthen my positivity, as I realise how much cancer actually brought to my life, SERIOUSLY!

What I also took from it was that I regularly talked about various other routes to take. It got me thinking and I am probably wrong, that to some it may seem that I have given up as I am not researching and planning. In fact, I do have a couple of things up my sleeve, but the thing is, I am very realistic and I see no point in building false hope for me my daughter or anyone else. I repeat I have not given up hope I am just very at peace with my situation. I think it is hard for others to understand how tired I am. I have pretty much been on chemo for 3 years I have now had a hell of a lot of my brain function destroyed and I have lived a very uncertain life since September 2012, it's a long time. I am tired. I am currently very happy to be alive and I have a decent quality of life but I just thought I would share my truth because as I always say that is what this blog is all about.

Prevention...not cure

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure

Benjamin Franklin


I have been reading up these last few days on alternative medicines. More importantly one in particular Low Dose Naltrexone. Now I am sure that I wrote about this last year but I am going to write about it anyway. Basically this is a drug which is used worldwide to treat so many diseases I couldn't list them. It is used for MS with amazing results. I had come across information on this drug last year and how there were some doctors in the USA who felt that it could be a breakthrough in Triple Negative Breast cancer (my type). Immediately I was on the case. To cut a long story short as this drug is long since patented not all GPs will prescribe mine of course did and I started it last January. The great thing is that should your doctor not prescribe it you can buy it very cheaply and indeed among the limited stockists globally there is actually one here in Glasgow 5 minutes from my house...I call that serendipity.

Anyway I began taking this one tablet every night and as we know my battle with my lung was won. I cannot say with certainty what caused this but it gave me great psychological benefits (this drug generally boosts your immune system so what is to lose?).

Yes I was disappointed to learn of my brain tumours but I have been in touch with one of the doctors at the forefront of this drug and he has said keep going with it, I will.

There are many who believe that many chronic illnesses (Crohns, Lupus to name but 2) and of course cancer could actually be prevented all together were people to incorporate this drug into their daily lives from about the age of thirty. I am inclined to agree. There is a wealth of information on this drug on the web so I would you all to have a look. I am starting my LDN tonight again as I have felt more healthy these last few days which I put down to my first ever Reiki session. Cannot recommend it highly enough but more about that later. Now get researching and prevent my experience perhaps.

Knowing my limitations....

Slow down, you move too fast you
got to make the morning last
kicking down the cobblestones
looking for fun and feelin groovy...

Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life I love you all is groovy


Simon and Garfunkel

It ended up being a full on day on Friday. Hmm we were not quite as organised as we thought. The plan was that I would spend a couple of hours just kind of overseeing things and then I would leave for the hotel and have a little manicure by late morning. Well the weather conditions on Friday didn't exactly lend themselves to everything being as smooth as the radio station and there were inevitable holdups with the van runs to the storage warehouse. This and just other things which cropped up meant that at 8.30 that evening I was still in the house. It was the final rush to get out and let the new family in. My God I nearly went into meltdown. I was utterly spent. I could barely walk by the time I got to the hotel and my brain function was probably running on about 10 per cent.

Lesson learned? I have not let go of my will to control as much as I had previously thought. It truly was an eye opener. I put my health through hell for nothing. I laughed as I thought about, there I am blogging about  putting things into perspective and not using energy in the wrong way etc etc and then voila I am doing it all. I t was good to be able to recognise that. To recognise that the ability to slip back into old thinking patterns can be far too easy. Now, don't get me wrong the day was not in any way terrible. We laughed and had fun and all the rest of it. However, I simply overlooked what is crucial...my immediate health.

I am glad of the experience as always I thought I should share.


Thanking all who helped with the move on Friday. Love you.

The power of love and laughter...

“It does not matter how long you are spending on the earth, how much money you have gathered or how much attention you have received. It is the amount of positive vibration you have radiated in life that matters,”

Amit Ray 

 I have had an amazing day. I  was surrounded by people whom I love and in turn love me. It was packing day and it was without doubt the most stress free pre move pack I have ever had. It was filled with laughter and I think that my disposition rubs off on others. I simply cannot allow to be uptight about something as trivial as a house move, I am fighting for my life. This definitely helps others gain perspective.

This then allows me to be surrounded by positivity. It really is a win win situation. It was also a very productive day in other ways. I felt strong enough to make some big decisions about my future (or lack of it) in terms of various finances. I had some difficult conversations to have with the likes of pension people etc and I had been avoiding it. I faced it full on today and once again it empowered me. I managed to put yet more practical things in place for the outcome which I will avoid as long as possible. However these things have to be done, and I did them. I most definitely feel more at ease tonight as of course knowing that I am leaving behind security for those I love makes me feel so much better.

I didn't have such great days yesterday and Tuesday and my physical condition was quite poor. My wonderful G.P came out for  a quick home visit ( he did not have any obligation to it was his choice). Anyway we agreed that in order to keep my neurological condition as ok as possible for the foreseeable future then it is best that I stay on steroids. So I am back on a very small dose and I think that they are helpful and as soon as I think anything different I will re evaluate. It's yet again taking it one day at a time. Also, unlike the vast majority of the NHS, I have a trust in my G.P. He has earned it.

So the premise of this post is this. Tonight I am in a good place. I am looking forward to leaving for the hotel when the real chaos begins and I have a busy day planned. Which includes all sorts of pampering, organised by yet more people who continue to show me their love for me. Who continue to allow me to see the great in people. Positivity really is the best thing we can show in this life no matter what it may throw at you. Please everyone take note.

The difference a day makes....

 “Some people grumble that roses have thorns; I am grateful that thorns have roses.”
― Alphonse Karr, A Tour Round My Garden




I am very happy to be able to report that my health has improved greatly. Since signing myself out of hospital things changed massively, but I still was very far from being me. However, I am delighted to say that in these last few days I have come yet further. I have been weaning down from the steroids and I had my last one yesterday. I managed this weekend to get a lot of sleep. I literally was getting an average of about 2 hours every 24 hours. I have always believed in the power of sleep. I am now getting,  nowhere near the normal, but a hell of a lot more. I am convinced that it has helped greatly. I have also due to reduced steroids stopped craving junk and am back to fresh food. This can only help.

My actual ability to communicate is incredibly strong and whilst this had been counterbalanced by a very weak body which really could do very little,  I definitely feel like my physical abilities are returning. This is all great. I just an hour ago had my wheelchair delivered and its fab. I would not have thought just weeks ago that my vanity would allow me to go out in a wheelchair, but I was wrong. I do not want to be housebound I want to live, I want to enjoy going out and if that means in a wheelchair then that's totally fine.

So I move out of this house this week and in true LG fashion I have been let down by the mortgage people. Therefore I am moving to my amazing friends hotel for a couple of weeks and then at the end of the month we will all be in the new house. I am excited as I said the other day I have many cushions to buy. Well they are bought and my love of aesthetics knows no bounds so I say my life is great right now. One day at a time.

a gentle reminder

I am not going to be writing todaytwith anything new or ground breaking just some things that are on my mind. As I have already posted I spent a truly horrific time over the holidays in the hospital more specifically a cancer hospital and a reputable one. I have now made my wishes crystal clear that I will not be hospitalised again before I die. I have put in place exactly what I want so I shall take the experience as a good learning curve.

Over these last few weeks I have had a lot of time to reflect upon my cancer journey and rethinking it horrifies me all over again. I feel as though I have come full circle. In November/December 2011 I was hospitalised dangerously ill as a direct result of medication (chemotherapy) which due to lack of resources is administered in a very haphazard ways and essentially my dosage was not right. This put my life in danger and I am utterly convinced that I don't stand alone in this. As I have already documented I then went through a system so flawed that my outcome was to be a terminal diagnosis.

So fast forward to December 2014 and I am back in a hospital dangerously ill, again not due to the actual cancer but instead due to a fault in drug administration. I had the ability to speak up and I am now home and all is well (RELATIVELY SPEAKING of course). However I just feel compelled to put this message out again. Its done.

Now for an update. I have had  9 of 10 of my brain zap. I go for my last one today and then I will be scanned in 8 weeks. 8 long glorious weeks of just taking one day at a time and enjoying my life and my new house. I have no idea of what the scan will show but based on statistics for my type of cancer it will not be that positive. This is fine. I am not being pessimistic but my own personal expectation is to have passed by April this year, and I am by no means going down self fulfilling prophecy routes. Just being realistic. I have been very practical and have 2 death plans backed up by the right professionals. Olivia is aware of everything and will be with me.

Update complete. Now back to living, I have many cushions to buy.

Trust

I have had most probably the worst few weeks of my life. This is the first time in a while that I have felt even close to normal and the fact that I can even use my vision to type feels good. Basically I was put on to such a ridiculous dose of steroids to reduce my initial symptoms that my whole body went into shutdown. In the first instance I did not question this and I should have. This is my message tonight.A t the beginning of December I blindly allowed myself to be sent home on a dangerous dose of deadly drugs...because I was terrified of dying quicker than I was ready for. The steroids quickly changed everything about me and I knew in my heart that it wasn't right. Over these last weeks I have had to speak up and truly fucking fight to be heard (not easy when pretty much catatonic). I told the doctors that I believed that the steroids were the main harm to me and that I just simply would not take the dosage anymore and lo and behold I have been taken from 16mg per day down to 2. The difference I cannot explain, yes brain radiotherapy is leaving me with horrible head pains BUT I don't have literally dozens of other side effects which in all honestly had taken away every fibre of ME! That includes my personality. So tonight I feel well enough through my choices to continue to send the message that we must know our own bodies and not just be passive recipients of a truly vile drug cures all culture. TRUST your own instincts.

A quick note...

I am going to write a short one. My health is poor so I will say what I can. I am due to start radiotherapy on xmas eve and I have been prepared for the fact that it may not work, there is a good chance the end is quite close. This is ok and I have acceptance. Im in a great place as I am both ready to live and at peace with the alternative. The steroids have reduced some of my symptoms but the actual cancer cells are playing havoc with me and my quality of life is at rock bottom. I have great people around me and my household is peaceful that's all I need right now. Christmas is inconvenient but I smile as I write my will on Tuesday night as people are out stressing over stocking fillers, such perspective to be gained. I want to thank everyone for their kind wishes and genuinely mean it when I say don't be sad.  one day at a time.

Winning the war...

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviours. Keep your behaviours positive because your behaviours become your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

Ghandi



Cancer affects so many people when one person is diagnosed, in this respect I have both a battle and a full on war to fight. My battle is simply to keep on fighting to keep it from ending my life. My war, on the other hand is of course full scale. The war is to protect those I love from having their lives devastated. I am currently awaiting battle but fully waging the latter.

I have no real control over the actual cancer at this very moment, that will begin when I have met with the specialists, in the meantime I'm doing what I can to make life as normal and productive as possible both today and in the future. Its all about the practical right now. My biggest war casualty is and will be Olivia, the love of my life.

So, I am going to talk about my gratitude since the news on Tuesday. Firstly I am so glad that my mum doesn't have to be here to endure this because that would be too much. Secondly I am so grateful for the amazing people who always rally round me when the shit once again hits the fan. Many of these people have been in my life BECAUSE of the cancer and the way in which it forced me to shake up my life and change it and without the cancer I wouldn't have had the privilege to know them. And they remain and they enrich. I had drifted rather far these last few months and I had lost all of this good and having this news forced my hand and brought the good back. Cancer is my physical illness but my biggest danger is spiritual malady and while cancer has reared its ugly head for now, my spirit is in the best shape it has been since August. I know where I would rather be. My fighting, nurtured spiritual wellbeing will let me win the war if not the battle. It will let me today create good in the lives of those who may be left behind, those in the crossfire. I am putting so many practical things in place for the future because while I am sad I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am putting others before me and its a wonderful place to be.My brother and sister were very upset by the news and they too have only recently lost their mum. I want to help them as much as they want to help me, but here s the thing their power is limited over cancer but mine is not when it comes to helping them cope My oldest and dearest friend makes me want to cry with her kindness and love and friendship. She has moved in and we are taking our lives forward positively. We are moving to the new house in January and we are all genuinely excited, its not a contingency plan its just a plan that works for today and for any other day down the line, cancer or not. I am providing everyone, myself included with the best possible Lesley that I can be. If that means a Lesley who has physical health issues then that's fine. If I don't have my peace and inner belief in doing the right things then tumour free or not I am not healthy and I am spreading an illness far more potent than cancer. I have gone back to taking a moment in the morning to reassure myself before I start my day that "everything will be alright" I don't try to control what that will actually be nor do I have an agenda, that's living and that's winning the war.

I don't know how to die...

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment
Buddha


I only recently learned to live properly so here's the thing, I'm not ready for any new learning projects and I don't know how to die. Quite simple then I CANNOT.

Its been quite a couple of weeks. I haven't been feeling too well and I had a horrible feeling that it wasn't just a winter virus. SO what did I think? I thought, of course that the cancer had returned and sometimes it just sucks to be right. My head had become painful and wouldn't shift but fear kept me from addressing it full on. When I began to lose my motor skills I knew that I was in trouble. I was eventually unable to stand up and I was vomiting. The outlook was ominous. During this time I was devastated to learn that my beautiful friend and fellow cancer fighter had passed away. Carla was only 38 and she had fought her breast cancer for many years. Her passing has been a blow. We helped each other these last few years and I will miss her terribly. However I am also relived that she is no longer suffering. My symptoms were so bad that I couldn't even attend her funeral.

My condition continued to worsen and I had to make the necessary move to be admitted to hospital on Monday. Of course they did a brain scan and the rest is history. Yes this evil disease has found its way into my prized possession (I can cope with my boobs being overtaken but not my brain). I have multiple mets to my brain and they have most probably been there a while. The news was delivered somewhat badly and so thankfully I've had enough experience of such news that I didn't have a melt down (in fact me and my group of visitors were asked to keep the laughter down later that evening...that's my coping mechanism). So what NOW??I am hoping that they can blast the tumours with radiotherapy and then I will take it from there. I have through no choice been forced to practise living in the day.

Once I had a couple of hours to digest the news on Tuesday night a sudden realisation dawned. Since my mums death I have not been in a good place and i was falling into a depression I wasn't doing my stuff and had slowly stopped attending the places which keep me spiritually whole. I had lost a lot of me and it was noted. his horrible news has given me a much needed kick into shape. I told myself on Tuesday night that I AM alive so lets get back to living. I spent the night in my hospital bed finding positive information on my condition and believing that I could do this. It helped, my spirit came back. I am now ready to re enter the world because really I am no different from anyone else in the fact that all we truly have is the now so make the most of. SO I am home and the tree is up and Olivia is going to have a great Christmas. I'm excited to be spending the first Christmas in a while with my brother and sister and nieces and brother and sister in law. That's my focus and I will keep from my mind that I am due to move house in January. Definitely ONE DAY AT A TIME.


P.S

I have so many amazing people in my life Tracey Arneil you are my hero and Carla Burns it was a privilege to have you in my life I only wish it could have been for longer. And you all know who the rest of you are.

A Mother's Love

I haven't written for ages. Is there a reason? I don't really know. All I know is that I am grieving for my mum and I don't know how to get past it. I miss her every minute of every day. She was such  a massive part of me wanting to beat this shit disease and without her I honestly don't know how to feel. I saw the pain my mum went through during all of my diagnoses and I just wanted to make it better for her, to somehow ease her pain. and so it was vital for me to fight to stay alive. This is also true for my daughter but its different because an eleven year old deals with things so differently and much as the thought of leaving Olivia fills me with horror, she processes things differently from adults. My mum was my support while simultaneously being my reason to keep going as I knew she couldn't cope without me. Now that she has gone I am definitely struggling to make sense of things. I am more scared than ever.

Honesty

“Don't be afraid of being scared. To be afraid is a sign of common sense. Only complete idiots are not afraid of anything.”

Carlos Ruiz Zafon      


I last posted that I am NED, it is a great piece of news and I truly appreciate it. However its a strange life with cancer and I am writing, honestly, tonight about how I truly feel. The truth is that I am very depressed. I have spent the weeks since my surgery in a black hole. I just can't get excited about life and it baffles me as much as anyone. I am thinking that a lot of it comes from the loss of my mum because I don't believe that I have fully dealt with that yet. Whenever I think about the night that she died I send it from my thoughts (not healthy). Since surgery I am actually lower than I was before it. It is pretty inexplicable but I think that I may have some answers to my feelings. I think that I have recognised the cold harsh reality of living with a disease that hovers over you on a daily basis. The problem is that you are very alone with it. In the beginning when you are going through your first chemo people are there and want to help. When its 3 years  down the line that fades and you're pretty much on your own. People have their own lives to lead and they quite simply disappear (not everyone I have a few special people). People don't see a physical difference in you and therefore choose to believe that you are "fine". The reality is that I'm not fine. I'm still as scared as I have always been. I'm still living with secondary cancer. I read the article this weekend about Lynda Bellingham choosing to stop her chemo and die and I cried because I am aware that this will be my situation one day. This won't be tomorrow but it will come and it's fucking hard. I try to find the good in my situation and the vast majority of the time I manage to, however I am not coping too well with the hand that I was dealt lately and I thought that it was important to share because this blog was started with the view to being truthful about life with cancer. It really isn't easy.

Keeping it simple...

There is no greatness where there is not simplicity
Tolstoy

Very few people in Scotland like the idea of the term NED being used to describe them. I am not one of them. In the cancer world the term means No Evidence of Disease. This is my status today. Having had successful lung surgery the last evident piece of cancer was removed from my body. How amazing. 3 weeks ago today Mr Kirk (surgeon extraordinaire) spent a couple of hours checking out my insides and managed to take out the only piece of cancer he could find. I got my pathology report of this cancer yesterday and as expected it was the same pathology as was removed during my second breast surgery. The great news was that there were clear margins, which simply means that the tissue surrounding the tumour had no traces of cancer in it. So what does all of this mean? A good question and one with no clear answer. Am I cured? NO. Am I free of chemo? NO. Will I be free to go on and live a completely normal life? NO. All sounds a bit negative doesn't it.? NO. Not to me. 2 years ago I could not have imagined being told I was NED. For these 2 years I have become very accustomed to my very altered life, a life which requires a lot of effort in order to hang on to it. However, here's the thing, when diagnosed with incurable cancer all that matters is that you stay alive, and you really don't mind the how of it. If it means having intravenous chemo every week, having no hair and just as little energy then its ok, you are alive. For the moment as I am NED, this will not be my experience, however, the most difficult part of it all will remain with me for life. That is, the not knowing and of course the 12 weekly scans. So while I will not go to chemo clinic in the next months I will go for scans. For so many weeks every year I will be filled with fear. Fear that my scan shows the return of the cancer. It will not be a surprise to anyone if that turns out to be the case down the line. Therefore it is imperative that I continue to foster the "living in the day" philosophy. Truly live life one day at a time. As I have said before it is a strategy that would benefit anyone in this world regardless of their health status but for me it is essential. Living with secondary cancer really encourages you to make the most of life. There wont be a day for me when I am given the "all clear" my life will simply be NED or ED. For the moment its the former and I couldn't be happier and more grateful. So in the spirit of this I am going out to enjoy the beautiful late summer sun, like my good health, who knows how long it will last so best enjoy it while I can, simple really.

A new era...

It won't leap past us
The incredible is approaching from over there
It won't leap past us
We won't be left in a dark vale
To watch it go

 The incredible is approaching from over there

 This time
It won't leap past us
Won't be left no
It won't leap past us

This time

A woman transformed into twinkling stars, headlines, headlines
No going home tonight, no going home tonight
The wrath of angels
 

 

David Gray The Incredible

 

 

The incredible did not leap past us and we laid my mum to rest on Wednesday morning. She is now indeed twinkling stars.

 

It has been the hardest two weeks of my life and yet as always through the heartache, joy and miracles have shone through. The day after my mum died I was telephoned by my surgeon and told that he was willing to do my surgery and that I will be operated on this coming week, the 20th of August. 2 days after my birthday and 2 weeks after my mum's death. What a month August has been. It will be one to remember and will always hold very special memories. I am in awe of what life can offer. It is approaching the 2nd anniversary of my terminal diagnosis and no one could have imagined that today I would be preparing to have the only remaining evident piece of cancer removed from my body. I truly am grateful. In some respects its seems so so sad that it comes at this time when my mum isn't here to see it. However, I have to believe that she knows exactly what is going on and that she is smiling upon it all. She found her own peace, safe in the knowledge that I had learned to live a different kind of life, not in spite of, but because of my cancer (she was an avid follower of this blog and it hurts to know that she wont be reading it any more and telling me what she thinks) and that it helped me grow as a person. Without my diagnosis I would not be the person that I am today and now there seems to be hope on the horizon for me. I am so lucky to be, in the truest sense, given a second chance. I am determined to make it worthwhile.

Peace

No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother’s love. It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star.


Edwin Hubbell Chapin


My amazing, wonderful mum passed away last night. I am grateful to be able to say that it all happened in the right way. I knew in my heart that the 6th of August would be her last day and so I arranged to sleep over at the hospice. It was with a heavy heart that I packed my bag to go last night, but somehow I really did know. My sister and I spoke earlier in the day and she said that she felt it wasn't what she wanted, to be there when she passed. That was fine because it was something that I needed so no compromise was required. Anyway things have a funny way of working out and Diane felt a need to come down last night. Miraculous because after I spent time alone with my mum telling her that I accepted it all and that I loved her, Diane and George arrived whilst I was making a phone call and she also got time alone with Janet to speak. I returned to the room, we were both there and she passed away so peacefully. I broke down of course but then I found an inexplicable strength to sit with her and tell her I would do my best to move forward. I drove home with the CD my mum bought for me a few months ago full blast and I cried and I laughed and I toasted my lovely mum. I am truly heartbroken but as the song says I will survive. May you find peace mum. You truly deserve it. Thank you for being you.

Determination to find acceptance...

Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can.”  

Nicholas Sparks

I've had a week of extreme news. On the one hand I am grateful that I received the results of my PET scan and it is showing that there are no other cancer "hot spots" in my body, meaning that the one remaining, problematic tumour is indeed solitary and I assume that I am now eligible for surgery. This truly is remarkable news and quite unforeseen not so long ago. Sadly it is overshadowed by the fact that I was told by my mums doctor that she has weeks to live at best and he wanted to alert us to the fact that it could be days. This was very hard to hear and I am struggling to feel the motivation that I need to get through my own treatment. However I must. My mum would want me to remain strong and positive and she would want Olivia and I to be fine. I am continuing to spend a lot of time with my mum at the hospice but she is deteriorating daily and my strength and resolve is being tested more than ever before. My sister came home from Malta on Thursday and it was really difficult to watch her reaction to my mum's decline since she last saw her (just a few weeks ago). She was shocked by it and in a lot of pain and that brought everything even more into focus about this dire situation. The one blessing from all of it is, that it is nice for us to spend time together as a family (we don't that often) and all be there with one common purpose, which is to help our mum die in the best possible way. It is good to be reassured of our mutual love for Janet and to remember that she has been a great mum. Another positive aspect of this is that, just like with my own illness, I am able to see and appreciate the best in people and be reminded of the truly wonderful friends that I have. People have been brilliantly supportive and as well as help me, come to sit with my mum and help her in this awful time. This is what keeps me going. Death is an inevitable part of life but that doesn't take away the pain of it, however when I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning I think about the good things that I have. I have had 42 years of unconditional love from my brilliant mum, I have a daughter who is also struggling and who needs me more than ever and I have the continued love and support from many others in my life. I need to focus on this in these coming days.