Juggling...

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it

Aristotle

I can't sleep tonight. I had Reiki, I had a bath and I took a sleeping tablet. All of this has been working but not tonight. I suspect it is due to 2 things. Number one; I took 4 mg instead of the usual 2 mg of steroid today. I did this thinking that I was managing my condition. I was really not too great this morning as I felt so tired and I was going out with a friend. My GP had told me that I could take anywhere between 2 and 6 mg and I thought it was the right thing. Ok re evaluation time. 2 mg from now on.

The second reason is that I have had a headache most of the day and yes I am worried! I still have not moved into my house and am weeks away from the work being completed and I am scared that my health declines as rapidly as it did in November. I really want quality time in my new home with Olivia and Tracey. I am filled with fear and I must somehow overcome it.

This brings me to my next point. I have my scan looming in a few weeks. I am meeting with my consultant tomorrow morning and I have decided to present to her my thinking around it honestly. Which is that I don't intend to have the scan. Reasoning; if it is good news then there is still no clear outline as to how long they remain shrunk, my consultants words in December were thus: "How long is a piece of string?". Secondly; if it is bad news then what is the point in knowing? They have no solution so why offer me a problem? I only do solutions in my cancer journey in order to stay positive. In my opinion its a no win situation. I will know when things are declining I already have the experience. I Don't want the pitying doctor consultation and then the psychosomatic symptoms which follow. So I will have a full and frank discussion with my consultant tomorrow. In the meantime I must stop my mind from going where it doesn't belong. There is a great expression, when it comes to going into your own mind "it is like a bad neighbourhood, don't go alone and don't stay too long". Ha ha, I'm off to the burbs for a while.